THE CURSE OF CONSCIOUSNESS

I THINK AS LONG AS YOU PUT MY HEART BACK TOGETHER AT THE END OF THE DAY

I’LL FORGIVE YOU FOR BREAKING IT, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT HAPPENS

I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU, BUT I DON’T THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO

IT’S BETTER THIS WAY, WHERE I JUST ASSUME YOUR INTENTIONS ARE PURE UNTIL YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME

THIS WAY, YOU’LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

AND I’LL GET NUMB.

UNTITLED

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL WHO LOVED HER SCARS

SHE SMOKED THE WORLD AND BLAZED THE STARS

THE GIRL HAD STRETCH MARKS ON HER SKIN

HER SOUL WAS BLEEDING FROM WITHIN

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL WHO THOUGHT SHE COULD FIX

DEATH RAISED ITS VOICE TO A HIGHER PITCH

AND SAID, “I AM LIFE,” THE GIRL SHOOK HER HEAD

“BUT SOMETIMES I WISH THAT I WERE DEAD”

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL WHOSE MIND WORKED ONE WAY

SHE GOT HIGH ON BEING LOW, DAY AFTER DAY

“PAIN IS TEMPORARY,” THEY SAID, BUT THIS GIRL KNEW

PEOPLE WILL LIE JUST TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

A/N: Click here to order my poetry book! Or, if you like fiction, click here.

DRAFT #3

I DON’T HATE ANYONE

BUT YOU ARE THE CLOSEST I’VE EVER COME TO EXPERIENCING THAT EMOTION

YOU ARE SO SELFISH

IN THE WAY YOU COULD JUST LIE TO ME

INCESSANTLY

TO GET WHAT YOU WANTED:

AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE-

YOU GOT TO FEEL THAT, BUT I NEVER DID

AND I NEVER GAVE MYSELF TIME TO GET OVER YOU

RATHER, IT WAS DISTRACTION AFTER DISTRACTION

I DIDN’T WANT TO FACE THE HARSH REALITY THAT WAS

BEING WITHOUT YOU.

7:19 AM

EVERYTHING YOU EVER GAVE ME,

I USED TO HURT MYSELF

WHETHER IT WAS THE RAZOR BLADE YOU TIED AROUND MY WRIST IN THE 7TH GRADE- YOU SAID IT WAS REPRESENTATIVE OF OUT RELATIONSHIP, BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THAT MEANT-

OR YOUR LIES

YOU KEEP TRYING TO COME BACK AND OPEN THE WOUNDS,

BUT I WON’T LET YOU THIS TIME

I WON’T LET YOU GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO RUIN ME.

FORGETTING

I REMEMBER THAT ON OUR ONE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY, YOU BLOCKED ME ON EVERYTHING WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION

WHEN I GAVE YOU ALL THE POEMS I’D WRITTEN ABOUT HOW I WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU, YOU GAVE THEM RIGHT BACK TO ME

FOR A MONTH, I DIED EVERY DAY WATCHING YOU WALK TO YOUR DESK IN ALGEBRA (TWO SEATS BEHIND MINE)

YOU DECIDED TO UNBLOCK ME AFTER A MUTUAL FRIEND’S BIRTHDAY PARTY WHERE ALL I DID WAS BULLY YOU

YOU DESERVED IT

BECAUSE YOU NEVER APOLOGIZED

IT WAS ALWAYS ME APOLOGIZING, EVEN WHEN THOUGH I HAD NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR

LIFE WENT ON

YOU DIDN’T DESERVE MY TRUST, BUT I GAVE IT TO YOU AGAIN ANYWAYS

MUCH TO THE DISMAY OF MY SISTER

SHE HATED YOU

WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES TOGETHER-

LIKE WHEN YOUR MOM TOOK US ICE SKATING IN BENTONVILLE AND GOT ME THE SALTIEST HOT CHOCOLATE I’VE EVER HAD AT SOME ARTISANAL COFFEE SHOP-

AND WE HAD SOME TIMES THAT YOU DIDN’T FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT

LIKE WHEN WE HAD SEX

YOU NEVER WANTED ALL OF ME, JUST LITTLE PIECES WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR YOU

AND IT TOOK ME TOO LONG TO REALIZE THAT

I SHOULD’VE JUST FORGOT ABOUT YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

THE WITCH, PART TWO

I COULD’VE HAD SEX THAT NIGHT, BUT I DIDN’T

I WAS TOO HIGH-

WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD GET DOWN THERE AND NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING-

SO WE JUST KISSED IN THE CANDLELIGHT

AND THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH

UNTIL IT WASN’T

I KEPT ASKING HER FOR LITTLE THINGS IN EXCHANGE FOR THE BIG THINGS SHE TOOK FROM ME

I ASKED HER FOR A KISS WHEN WE WERE SITTING ACROSS FROM MY MOM

SHE ASKED ME TO BE HER DISTRACTION

AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS?

TO OBSCURE HER LINE OF SIGHT WHEN I KNEW INNATELY THAT MY INCESSANT HOVERING WAS JUST PUSHING HER FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY?

BUT THAT’S WHAT SHE WANTED, SO I KEPT AT IT

MAKING HER FEEL A LITTLE LESS LONELY

BUT I WAS SO ALONE

AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANTED TO HATE HER AFTER SHE LEFT, I JUST COULDN’T

BECAUSE I WAITED TOO LONG AND BY THE TIME I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO HATING HER, SHE’D CHANGED

OR DID SHE?

IT SEEMED THAT SHE STILL TRIED TO GET ME FROM EVERY ANGLE; STAB ME IN EVERY SIDE

FIRST IT WAS SAYING WE WERE AN EXPERIMENT, A MISTAKE

THEN IT WAS CALLING ONLY WHEN SHE WAS CRYING, BECAUSE I’M THE ONLY PERSON WHO’S STUCK AROUND

I’M THE ONLY PERSON WHO STILL CARES

WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE?

WHY DID SHE HAVE TO PUT A SPELL ON ME?

WAXING AND WANING

(REPOST)

EVERYTHING IS BLUE

MY LIPS ARE DRY

I TRY TO GET HIGH OFF BROKEN PROMISES

AND MEMORIES OF THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN, THE WIND WHIPPING THROUGH MY HAIR

BUT I CAN’T SEE

AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE

MY EYES ARE CLOSED

BECAUSE THE WORLD IS SO MUCH LESS BEAUTIFUL THAN IT WAS YESTERDAY

EVEN THOUGH IT’S SO MUCH MORE GREEN

AND IT SMELLS LIKE LIFE

BUT I CAN’T BREATHE IT IN BECAUSE OF THE PAPERWEIGHT NESTLED BETWEEN MY LUNGS

MY CIRCULATION IS CUT OFF

AND MY BLOOD RUNS COLD

I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

IS IT WARM IN YOUR STOMACH LIKE THE COLOR YELLOW?

OR IS IT COLD BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS LIKE A BOOK WHOSE SPINE HASN’T YET BEEN BROKEN?

DO YOU DRINK IT LIKE CINNAMON TEA?

OR DO YOU CHEW IT LIKE THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS?

AND I’M NOT SURE I’LL EVER TASTE IT AGAIN

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I’M NOT MYSELF

BUT A SHELL OF SO

DOING THINGS I’D NEVER DO

TO FEEL SOMETHING, ANYTHING AT ALL

THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR IS NOT SOMEONE I’M FAMILIAR WITH

WHAT DOES SHE WANT?

WHY DOES SHE WAKE UP EVERY MORNING?

MAYBE IT’S BLUE BECAUSE I’M DROWNING

MAYBE IT HURTS BECAUSE I DESERVE IT

ALL THE SAME, I’M LYING ON MY SIDE WATCHING TIME GO BY

WONDERING WHAT IT’D BE LIKE TO SLEEP WITHOUT DREAMING

BUT I’D NEVER TELL YOU THAT

AND SOMETIMES I STARE AT THE WALL UNTIL I’M RUSHING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE

IT WORRIES ABOUT ME, I THINK

EVEN AFTER ALL THE PAINT I’VE CHIPPED ON ITS EXTERIOR

ITS HOLLOWNESS IS SYMPATHETIC

I’VE REALIZED THAT I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE I’M TOO SHARP

RIPPED AT EVERY EDGE

BLEEDING THROUGH THE PAGES AND STAINING THE COUNTERTOP WITH PURPLE INK

AND THOSE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO ME BLEED, TOO

I KEEP TRYING TO RECAPTURE THAT FEELING

CAREFREE

STANDING ON THE TOP RUNG OF THE MONKEY BARS AT THE APARTMENT BUILDING

WHAT IF THE ROOTS WRAPPED AROUND MY SOUL ARE WEEDS THAT NEED TO BE DUG OUT

BUT SHE WAS ON TOP OF THE COKE MACHINE PUTTING GOLDEN TINSEL IN THE GUTTER

AND HE WAS JUMPING ROPE WITH A FALLEN TELEPHONE WIRE

I WASN’T SURE IF IT WAS HEAVEN, BUT IT MIGHT’VE BEEN

WE WERE DRIVING THROUGH THE CITY AND THE SUN WAS STREAMING THROUGH THE WINDOW

SHE LIT A CIGARETTE AND FOR A SECOND, I WAS SUFFOCATING

IT SMELLED LIKE THE PANIC ATTACK I HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE

BITTER, LINGERING

IT WASN’T HELL, BUT IT MIGHT’VE BEEN

TAKE ME BACK TO WHEN IT WAS DARK AT FIVE O’CLOCK

AND MY SELF-WORTH WAS NOTHING MORE THAN AN “I LOVE YOU.”

MOVING ON

YOU’LL REACH THE POINT WHERE YOU WONDER

IF ANYBODY LOVES YOU-

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT EVERYBODY WHO EVER DID

WAS LYING

OR COULDN’T TAKE THE HEAT

OF THE WILDFIRE THAT IS YOUR LOVE-

AND THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE YES

ONE DAY YOU WILL BE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE

AND HOPEFULLY THAT PERSON IS YOU

HOPEFULLY YOU LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE POSSIBLY COULD

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART REALIZE THAT IT IS SELF-SUFFICIENT.

THE GARDEN

I’LL GET YOUR PIECES BACK

THE PIECES YOU’RE LACKING THAT KEEP YOU FROM LOVING YOURSELF

I’LL PAY A VISIT TO YOUR DEMONS AND WRENCH IT FROM THEIR COLD, DEAD HANDS

AND YOU’LL BE WHOLE AGAIN

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS

I’LL HELP YOU PLANT THEM

WE’LL BASK IN THE GLORY THAT IS YOUR GARDEN

WHEN YOU OFFER ME A PIECE, I’LL SLIP IT BACK IN YOUR POCKET WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

BECAUSE YOU NEED THOSE PIECES MORE THAN I DO

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I WANT THIS FOR YOU.

GREEN EYES

THANK YOU FOR CARING

EVEN WHEN I WAS HARD TO CARE ABOUT

THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME

EVEN WHEN I LIED TO YOU

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY LIFE SUPPORT

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE PERSON

THANK YOU, AND I’M SORRY

YOU REMIND ME OF A BUTTERFLY; IN THE WAY YOU MAKE THE MOST OUT OF A MUD PUDDLE.